Being Swipe-Happy in 2016

Being Swipe-Happy in 2016

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  • Kiri Herrmann-Tross

    Kiri is a nearly-30 transplant from the little state of New York. Her story is typical: A tourist who fell hard and fast for Asheville and has had a thrilling yet tumultuous relationship with this...

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We kids these days exist at the mercy of simplicity and social media, so I’m not surprised that online dating is a common choice for the busy and single. Some people ridicule it, but often times they’re also those who were set up by eager family members, married their high school sweethearts, or experienced a variety of other soap opera scenarios that don’t really happen. Enough, you guys. No, I’m probably not going to bump into the man of my dreams at the supermarket. He’s already at home. His wife or girlfriend is lovingly cooking him a hot meal. He’s not at Ingles at 8:30 p.m. on a Tuesday, buying a $5 lukewarm rotisserie chicken out of sad desperation.

So, it became inevitable. I decided I would give Tinder a try since I seemed to hear about it constantly. Friends were kind enough to inform me that it is frequently used to track down stranger sex within close proximity, so I prepared myself that simply “looking for a nice guy to chat with” would be a challenge. I tossed up a couple decent pictures, wrote a few words about my interests, and went to work swiping away.

[[Quick Guidelines for those not in the know: Tinder is a dating app which uses GPS to find people close to you, then shows you a few pictures and a brief description. If you like the person, you swipe them to the right & it saves their profile. If you don’t like them, based on almost no information and a condensed sampling of their physical appearance, you swipe them left, never to be seen again. If you both ‘swipe right,’ Tinder lets you know & then harasses you until you message each other. Totally realistic and not at all shallow, right?]]

Just exactly how does a simple gal who loves strong coffee and weak morals swipe appropriately? Look no further! I'm gonna break it down for y'all...

[Disclaimer: I’m not saying that all ladies should follow my personal guidelines, but I am saying they’re really damn solid & it probably wouldn’t hurt. There are a few helpful photo tips for the fellas as well.]

Here are the basics:

Shirt off? Swipe left–You’re obviously quite full of yourself. As a result, you’ll likely be that guy who awkwardly whips your shirt off at social gatherings. Nope.

Hat on in every picture? Swipe left–You’re inevitably in some stage of the balding process & trying, futilely, to fool people. But bald is beautiful! Let that glorious, glossy head shine, Sir.

Pictures with ladies? Swipe left–You are an idiot. Either a bro-stitute or some unfortunate sap not detached enough from his ex to actually crop her out of a picture. Yikes.

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Pictures holding dead animals? Really? Swipe left–Kindly get back in your camo-patterned truck and ride it back from whence you came. Then find me a chick who thinks pictures of bleeding animals are better than a guy cuddling his dog. I dare you. 

Flexing at the gym in more than one shot? Swipe left–Your gym obsession is likely compensating for ahem, other shortcomings in life. Or you're extremely on top of your fitness game which is GREAT! Go ahead and show your other sides, though. What's beneath all that sweat and Muscle Milk?

If the words “Not looking for anything serious” are how you lead into your profile blurb–Good God–Swipe left. Why not go ahead & post a screenshot of your STD test results? [That's not a bad idea actually...] You are on a DATING APP. "Looking for new friends.” Oh, I just bet you are, dirty bird. 

Don’t even get me started on bedroom pictures, towel pictures or a “strategically” angled shot of your crotch. They’re all unforgivable. Please stop.

It is, as they say, hard out here for a pimp. The problem with Tinder is its oversimplified cut-and-dry nature, which clouds one's ability to find good, honest people hidden among lust and perversion. I know there are men out there who want to talk to an educated female about their interests, hobbies, and maybe even schedule a real-life meeting and hope that sparks fly. I’d have to “smooch” a serious boatload of internet frogs in search of such a prince. I’ve decided I’d rather keep my lips to myself.

So it comes back around to living life and not worrying about such things. I’m doing things I love. Interacting with people, cooking, writing and soaking up the last warm days of Indian Summer. I’m developing new friendships and having memorable experiences that make me feel content. I drove up on the Blue Ridge Parkway the other night, looked at the star-dusted sky above me and thought, ‘Man, I live in such an incredible place.’

Ah, Asheville. We fit together pretty well, babe. I think I'll swipe you RIGHT.

Xo,

Kiri